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Closing eyes

Greetings all,

All that I can think of this morning is closing eyes.

My brother had called earlier in the week and asked if he could visit me during the weekend. I am not particularly keen on seeing him, largely because he is a reminder of my old family life, but he has done nothing like what my parents have done so I agreed.

Last night I called him to work out times etc. He was asleep; my father answered. My impulse was to not talk to him, but I felt sorry for him when he said how much he missed me. He did not say anything offensive, but as we talked I could feel a slow rage building up within me. Finally I ended the conversation and realized I felt terrible. Physically I had been fine that day, now in spite of not being tired at all I suddenly wanted to sleep.

This morning I had agreed to work, since because of my incompetence due to depression a project remains uncompleted. I am sitting here dead tired. I feel awful. Just this morning I had felt okay, but my brain is fried. I don't want to do anything, I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear from the world forever. I hate myself. When will this project be completed? What will happen? Earlier this week, prayer had seemed to be effective but not today. God, damn his icy heart, has left me. Fickle bastard.

I can see it now: "I didn't finish the device driver because I was depressed because I spoke to my father and he didn't say anything objectionable." Doesn't that sound great on a resume. Even summoning the strength to type this email is an effort. As for poring over mov [ecx],eax instructions -- not a chance.

Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born, after all.

Oasis, Sept. 14, 1996.