Every time I think I have made a little progress things start collapsing again.
Yesterday I drove 130 km to an SLAA meeting for "sexual anorexics", the only one such in the province. There were three people there, all newcomers. One left early, possibly to act out. The other man and I had a good meeting, and I told him frankly I was afraid I would act out after going home. He said not to torment myself with guilt about it.
Perhaps, inevitably, I acted out, and in doing so set a new record for money spent on an episode ($80); borrowed money at that.
It is common for me to feel a crushing depression after an episode. I received something else that hit me hard. I had a few days ago mustered up the courage to tell a woman I had been corresponding online with what I felt towards her; I got her reply, which tactfully but firmly said that an online relationship would not be possible.
I felt foolish and humiliated, already being in a black mood after the episode. I tried to tell myself my friend had done nothing unreasonable, but that only made me feel worse. Today has been an absolutely nightmarish day of blank despair, with a horrible feeling of emptiness, worthlessness, and utter, complete isolation.
I am scheduled to see my therapist again tomorrow, but that will likely be my last session as the term ends and free counselling is not available during the summer.
I am going to a meeting tonight but only one or two other men typically attend; apparently SLAA is dying in the province; I don't know why this should be, surely there is no shortage of sex addicts.
Logically, I should be happy; I graduate soon with outstanding marks, I have a good job lined up, I will be able to move away from home at last.
I hardly know what to see, or feel. My eyes are dazed, I can hardly think coherently, doing homework is completely out of the question.
I don't know. I am going to meetings, seeing a therapist, reading many books; it is not falling together. What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?
ARAS, May 28, 1996.