For three days in a row now, I have been happy.
It started shortly after a session with my therapist - the second-last before her contract expires. I decided to forget about work and spend the weekend with myself.
And I did. I rented myself videos, went to favourite bookstores, or just moped around. I have done these things before, but the puzzling but welcome thing was...I enjoyed it! I was happy! I still am!
This is not the first time I have been happy of course. But it has literally been years since I was happy for more than a short time. This did not end. There was a simple, humble, yet powerful zest for living I had not had before.
I saw the sun shining, the rain falling, the grass growing, the roar of traffic, the noise of lawn mowers, the blare of televisions, the music of radios, and it was like a new world. It is like a rebirth.
I don't know why this should happen. Maybe several weeks of therapy, going to meetings, and reading dozens of self-help books has finally taken a cumulative impact. I had tried everything, thinking affirmations, sending love notes to myself, all to apparently no avail...until now.
For the first time in my life I find I genuinely like myself. It is a quiet but revolutionary feeling. I am living it; I am grateful. For I have been touched by the healing power of grace. Touched, and humbled.
I am far from out of the woods yet; indeed, I acted out just today. Nor do I have any semblance of a food plan in OA. Yet all that doesn't matter. I am alive, and I am living, for the first time. And I am grateful.
An optimistic post for a change,
ARAS, May 14, 1996.