Here is what others have said about my site.
Angel Amanda - Monday, June 11th 2012 - 09:57:43 AM
Please consider joining us at Heaven's Angels! It's a wonderful community for men and women and I would love to have you join me there!
Brother Stair - Sunday, September 25th 2011 - 02:42:43 AM
Greetings,this is Brother Stair from the Overcomer Ministry situated on a farm in Walterboro in the USA. I invite you to listen in to the broadcast either via the website www.overcomerministry.org or over the radio by many short wave frequencies stated on the website. With deep conviction by the anointing of the Holy Spirit this is the last day prophet of God proclaiming profoundly that this is the last generation. The overcomer ministry broadcasts 24 hours a day online and you are welcome to listen in to the tabernacle and leave a comment or question upon the broadcasts or scripture. The ministry address is: PO Box 691, Walterboro, SC 29488, USA. By telephone, 1-843-701-5053.
It was interesting to view the comments. God bless and Maranatha.
Daniela - Sunday, September 5th 2010 - 05:51:06 AM
Your words deeply touched me when I read them so many years ago. You so effectively put into words what I've been feeling most of my life. I finally knew I wasn't alone and this "thing" had a name. I am now writing my own book and would like to use your piece "Stranger in a Strange Land". Would you allow me to do so?
Amanda George - Monday, February 22nd 2010 - 06:58:05 AM
Please consider joining us at FWF... if you are over 18 years old and agree to the rules you will be accepted!
FRIENDS WITHOUT FACES
We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone, as we with in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody, to type out our name.
We want recognition, but it is always the same.
We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt.
In PM's we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.
We do form friendships - but - how, we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen that we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.
Why is it we share the thought in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.
The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must,
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.
Tal, Israel - Saturday, December 12th 2009 - 09:31:15 AM
I was googling for info on emotional incest and stumbled onto your blog. I don't know if you'd even read this... if you do, please excuse my English.
I just wanted to share. I identify with your experiences as a child and adult. I also had parents who made me responsible and accountable for their lives, happiness and suffering. and they have hated each other for as long as I can remember, using me and my siblings to express their rage and pain.
My mother was a depressed stage mom - and I her golden child, meant to make her dreams of being special come true. and my father was and still is emotionally and physically ill (he just has asthma as do I, but he uses it as a tool for manipulation and guilt. to this day he refuses to take medications. I have never seen my father speak, walk or take breath without coughing and whizzing.). like you, I was also told to "never tell", "never trust anyone outside the family", "they will laugh at you". so I kept all the pain and fear to myself. I never brought classmates home (I never had any real friends. having to lie every minute made it impossible). my mother always had a fit when someone would come to our house. throwing thing, yelling us to hurry up and clean, that everything is dirty. and my father would hide in his room (they haven't slept in the same room since I was 8 years old). the massage was clear for added touch my mother would ask me repeatedly why I don't bring friends over.
I cracked at age 14. tried to kill myself for the first time. after that, I briefly attended high school for 6 months before and dropping out and becoming a recluse in my parents home. during the next 9 years, I was given amateurish psychiatric treatment, ignored or harassed by the family, and eventually tried and commit suicide a few more times. when I was 23 I decided I was getting my own place. I was basically a child in a grown up's body - had no idea how to handle money or people. and no one made it easy for me to leave. I managed to, because it was either that or death.
Now I am 27. I am struggling with depression, low self esteem, social fear, and most of all - an identity crisis. all those years of being forced to ignore my needs and feelings... I never got to discover who I am. everything is tainted with their mark. my talents, my feelings, my body, my thoughts, my music preferences. I grew up feeling like there's always a set of eyes following my every move, every thought... judging me, expecting me. I hope to one day be able to do what I my parents didn't do for me since birth - allow myself to be me, to let go of the fear that being myself means I'm bad, selfish, ugly and unloved.
I wish you the same. you are not alone.
Charlene - Sunday, December 6th 2009 - 04:39:50 PM
You are not alone, my friend. I do not pretend to know you or truly understand what you feel or have felt, but you are my brother. I love and support you. You are not alone.
Jensen Abril - Tuesday, November 24th 2009 - 04:03:28 AM
Hi. I am a 23 y/o man who is wrought with depression. I was wondering if you might like to write a book with me? One about depression and how one can combat it with or without the use of pharmaceuticals. Many times I have thought I had bipolar disorder, until I realized I never was extremely happy or manic. I was always and am down. I feel women do not see me and the like. I am 5'1" tall, I also feel I suffer from Napoleon syndrome. Please let me know if this interests you. For I myself am a very intelligent man. I am just young and don't know how to effectively deal with disease or disorder. Thanks.
Crowded with people but still alone!! - Saturday, July 19th 2008 - 04:13:03 PM
My head is spinning with thoughts of negativity... I've not always been this way, it just started...I have family and friends everywhere I turn....yet the feeling of loneliness overwhelms what little hope I have left...People come and go yet this loneliness remains to tell me that it won't go away..until I figure out what the problem is...but what is the problem? It could be that my dad is on heroin and my mom is on crack...it could be that my niece passed away from CF not even nine months ago...it could be that I lost my job and can't seem to find a better one to replace it.... But no, I can't blame others for my problems...I can only blame myself for letting it get to me...Drugs? who said anti depressants really work... they just enable you to shove crap down your throat when you don't really even know what's in them...loneliness, tears, resentment, fake smiles, it is all something I have to deal with on a day to day basis... get over it? cry baby? idiot? is that what I am...those names are thrown at me by someone who says they love me...the only person that doesn't understand how much it hurts to feel lonely in a crowded room... But what is love when you can't even love yourself?
Lynn - Saturday, May 31st 2008 - 09:57:57 AM
Found this site from a friend's blog. It's about 10 years since the last post, what's changed since then...?
A Rant. - Sunday, March 2nd 2008 - 07:52:47 PM
One thing I've realised over the past couple of months and I truly believe it, but the harsh reality is that if it wasn't for the possibility of men having sex with women, half of all men wouldn't even bother talking to women much less put-up with all the crap that women dish out.
What, you really think men endure your shit because you're such a brilliant conversationalist and awesome companion?
The things I say shouldn't just be shrugged off as 'female-bashing' and ignored; I actually have a larger purpose in mind.
To be honest there is a total and utter myth about male power. Most women have it easy because their lives are inherently much more fulfilling and easy than mine and yours. I'm envious of the great amount of opportunity that is available to a woman just because she's a woman, despite women's manipulative, contrived protestations to the contrary.
These opportunities are denied me because I am not a woman. "Women earn less than men" False. I live in England / UK. The high-paid corporate workforce consists of mostly women. I see them, and a few token males, going to their high-paying jobs. Meanwhile the janitors and homeless, drug users and people of lesser privilege, people in jail are the men. And just try to find a place to live in England if you are male. My observation is that about 70% of shared housing ads mention preference for a female, that is, if they don't state "female only" outright. And it's no different for folks that can afford their own place, but of course, more of these are women.
Women also have it easy cause sex comes pretty easy to females.
I'm not coming from a position of strength. I'm coming from a position of weakness. At least I recognise this fact instead of burying it under self-deluding machismo. Men have to put so much effort to get laid or get a girlfriend, going from one girl to the next, suffering rejection after rejection, hoping, wishing that this girl does not blow you out like all the others and even if she does she won't give a SHIT about it in doing so. Then (Praise the Lord) you may actually strike lucky. So therefore you passed all the relevant tests.
The looks test.
The job test.
The clothes test.
The area where you live test.
The car test.
All the while she thinks she does not have to do nothing to prove herself to you. Her ultra high,arrogant opinion hereself will make her think that she does not have to. So here's another question, What is it about women that incites them to talk to men who are less experienced than they are as if they were children if they happen to have just lost their virginity? What is it about sexual experience, which one could easily quadruple if they sold their body on the street, that convinces a young woman she is more intelligent or mature than a guy she doesn't know? And what's with the way girls talk to guys who are too skinny, too short, or too fat, too ugly? They do nothing to earn the friendship of these men yet assume it immediately because in some superficial way they feel superior. I just can't get over how superficiality bleeds into even the most mundane day-to-day conduct women have with men. More women need to look at themselves in the mirror and come to grips with reality.
They are not special.
They are not gorgeous.
They are not brilliant.
They are not sophisticated.
Most will never do anything special or influential in their entire lives. They should show men some decent, common respect, regardless of how they look or how many sex partners they appear to have or had. I'm also sick and tired of how picky women are.
What gives them the right?
And why should anyone take pity or have sympathy for a woman who is cheated on by her b/f, or beaten by him, or hurt in some seemingly unjust way? Shouldn't she have screened him more carefully in NON-superficial matters to the same degree she did to ensure he was the right height, had the right look, and had the right body or car or style job? If you're going to be so picky in one way, what excuse do you have to not ensure he's respectful, sweet, and decent/honest? I admit some guys are conniving, but maybe if you paid the same degree of attention to character as you did to looks you might learn something.
Anyway, I really had to get that rant off my chest. I am so pissed off at how arrogant girls and how f**king low my standards have sunk over the years, and still with nothing. Like I'm so f**king worthless, it drives me crazy. Four years ago I attempted suicide came pretty close to dying but didn't, then never tried again.
I wish there was some way to encapsulate pain and make a weapon out of it. So you could track down all the people who rejected you and who were f**king lucky you even spoke to them, but because of some delusional society ingrained idea of them being special, they simply brushed you off like an ant, and you could just fire that weapon on them and all that intensified humiliation and self-degradation could just beam right into their soul and stay there and it would take years or a f**king lifetime for that injury to heal over.
I've also learned another thing. To the guys, never f**king lower your standards. Ugly girls are just as f**king snooty and arrogant as good looking ones. You may as well get rejected by a decent looking girl, because there is really nothing like asking out a girl you'd have to close your eyes to f**k and hearing she doesn't have time for you. When girls say 'maybe you should go for a plain girl' or 'ugly girl' don't f**king listen to them. Stop listening to whatever they have to say, and just walk away. Because they're f**king LYING!! IT'S NOT TRUE!!! UGLY GIRLS ARE NOT LESS PICKY!!! You may think I'm a real freak, but if you saw the way i look, you wouldn't. I ain't a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney. But occasionally I've been complimented on my looks, and I'm a popular guy, and I get DISSED by freaks. So heed this listen my fellas: 'Go for what you want, at least if you don't get it you were true to yourself.'
You probably think I'm pathetic and in need of help but I'm speaking from my heart and I hope others will find some truth to what I say. I was not a bad person. Misogynists are not born they are made. Hating women is the only thing I have left to do. I'm too good to respond with violence or anything so trite and barbaric. I'm above it and beyond it. I AM A BETTER MAN! Indeed, I've given up the idea of ever having a woman as a part of my romantic life. I am a MISOGYNIST. I declare it, not proudly, but without shame. I refuse to accept the shame that women have tried to place upon me. I am a MISOGYNIST, without apology to anyone. I'm a MISOGYNIST, from now until women show themselves worthy of something better than hatred. I am a MISOGYNIST from now until the day I die.
Ashley Johnson - Saturday, December 8th 2007 - 09:03:05 AM
I also know how you feel sometimes because I have the same as but just trust in yourself and do not never give up at all honey ok God bless you way down inside ok.
Johan - Thursday, October 11th 2007 - 12:05:32 AM
I can personally relate to what you have experienced. It is a good thing that you have found solace in solitude, another thing I would advice you to try is a period of sexual restraint. By restraint I mean even from self-satisfaction and fantasies. This will be hard but will also alleviate the pain of frustration many of us are in today. For me it has helped tremendously to stablise my mind from childhood traumas, walking free of sexual addiction is like walking with the wind on your side. Family can come after this but first giving up the sexual addiction will heal you in the necessary way.
Lydia2007.wordpress.com - Friday, September 21st 2007 - 10:44:55 AM
I will be back to read all you have written (very well, I might add). You tell the same story so many of us have lived through with varying details. I am much older than you and have so much further to go on that road to recovery but the journey has begun at least. I am so grateful for this site - can't wait to read more.
Me - Friday, May 25th 2007 - 12:06:09 PM
Hello unknown writer, I saw your latest post was in 1997. Are you still alive?? You know we share almost the same story? Except you're a man, I am a woman. It was your father who leaned on you for emotional support and in my case it was my mother. Your mother was verbally abusive and almost physically (the incident with the knife..) and so was my father. You have panic attacks when near attractive women, I have them when near attractive men =S And we both have a social phobia. Furthermore, I was addicted to a lot of stuff: smoking, men, eating/not eating, computer games, coffee, switched from one addiction to the other most of the timeÖ So we have a lot in common... It is sad really by the way how a person is soon to be defined by his or her problems/'disorders' (I hate the last word), when one is really so much more. I know in my heart that this is true for everybody and I hold on to that on this path I am walking now to overcome all this. It is almost funny, we still are kind of surviving our childhood, when we have survived already so many years ago!
I think it's so brave of you to tell all this on your site. I hope you will read my message. I want to tell you one more thing: I have a friend and he is pretty much overweight. He is not overeating, he is perfectly well, except for being overweight. Women fall in love with him all the time! Right now he has a relationship, but there are still often women attracted to him. Just to let you know that the cliche 'beauty comes from within' is true.
NB I would really like to know if you do read your guestbook, maybe you could let me (and others) know by posting on your site or on your guestbook?
michael - Sunday, April 29th 2007 - 06:21:08 PM
I can really relate to what you have written on your site. I feel you pain and I know what you are going through. I see you havent written anything since 98 , what happened.
Joe - Saturday, April 28th 2007 - 11:58:51 AM
You're a good writer. Let me tell you this, however. Never give up! There is hope.
I used to have social anxiety. I used to weigh 385 pounds. I lost all my excess weight through diet and exercise. I went to a plastic surgeon and had my loose skin tightened. I went to a gym and made myself strong and very fit. I found and continue to work with a therapist on the issues that almost drove me to despair.
I'm 42. I haven't given up and never will my friend, not until I flatline. FUCK THAT.
You are obviously an intelligent man and a good writer. You should continue to use your gifts and put that obvious inner strength towards making yourself happier. You deserve it.
Not a bigot - Thursday, March 8th 2007 - 04:57:38 PM
You wrote: "He made it clear that I could stay in the hospital if I chose, but I would probably recover faster in my own home than in a psychiatric ward surrounded by schizophrenics, drug addicts, and manic-depressives."
Why in the world would you say such a thing? And by the way, it's not "schizophrenics." it's people with schizophrenia. Want to know why? Because they are people.
This is ironic coming from you who want other people to understand and accommodate your illness. Depression is a real neurophysiological illness over which we have no control without help. So is Schizophrenia and so is bipolar disorder. If you're going to fight, fight the good fight.
Liz - Wednesday, January 3rd 2007 - 04:16:14 PM
Like you, I have social anxiety. I just started college, and with all the new situations it almost seems too overwhemling some days...I was just meaning to ask you..what keeps you going despite all the fear?
female - Saturday, August 19th 2006 - 02:04:38 PM
I just want to be loved, you should think that it is not much to ask for, but in my life, it is, I also miss a hug.
Jeff in Dallas - Saturday, July 1st 2006 - 01:34:14 PM
Ok, real short. I only read a few passges - those that screamed out to me. you have given a voice to many things I simply was too embarrassed to discuss. My addictions, my social "misfit"ism, my turn to Mormonism, AA, NA, CA, SA and subsequent disatisfaction and hopelessness. The prescription drugs don't work, and ultimately, neither do the street drugs. This is a terrible place to be.
Harold - Wednesday, June 21st 2006 - 11:54:15 PM
You're like Harold in Stephen King's book, "The Stand". You scare me.
from MT - Tuesday, May 16th 2006 - 03:38:54 PM
Your writing touched me deeply in that it looked a lot like my own thoughts over the years. I'm quite a bit older than you, but it's all the same. It would be great to get even a brief update from you. I hope you've managed to beat this somehow and find at least some level of happiness.
anon - Saturday, April 22nd 2006 - 08:58:02 PM
hi, i stumbled upon your site via search engine. just wanted to let you know that like the many others who have read your site, that i sympathize with your situation incredibly. i've battled social phobia and depression myself as well (am still).. and it was disconcerting to see nearly my exact self-talk on the page in black and white..my heart reaches out to the pain you've suffered in the past. i hope today you are happier. thank you so much for being brave enough to post your writings for others to read.
Kory - Tuesday, March 28th 2006 - 09:48:23 PM
I just don't know what to think anymore! I feel so empty... even though I love my baby's smile and everything he is learning to do... I just feel dead.. and that kills me! I have never done drugs. I'm 21 years old and have a 6 month old baby and for the past month I have been doing cocaine. It makes me happy! My doctor said that I didn't have postpartum because I didn't think about hurting my baby or myself. If this isn't what is wrong with me then what? I want this to end, I want to be a good mother to my child! How can I do that if I ... if I just feel nothing? Can someone please answer this and suggest something that will help? Thank you for listening, that even makes me feel a little more alive. Thank you!
C.C. - Friday, January 6th 2006 - 04:25:33 PM
I was feeling really down and thoughts of cutting myself came to mind, and I was feeling like "no one understands me and I should just stop taking up space." Then I read your letters and...WOW!!! I am not alone. Thank you! and I hope you are doing better and are still around.
Ryan M. - Wednesday, January 4th 2006 - 05:27:42 PM
I read your post entitled "Ethical Dilemma", and well, let's just say I know exactly how you feel. I am overjoyed to know that I am not the only one who experiences these controversies. I try to talk about them with my recovery "friends", but most of them do not understand. My current controversy has to do with which twelve step program will work for me, SA or SAA. (Also, check out the reviews for the White Book at Amazon.com, there is one entitled "Carnes' books are better" that I really like a lot.
TJ - Monday, November 28th 2005 - 11:57:23 PM
I've read some of the posts that have been labelled "misogyny", some are called "offensive". These posts express various men's anger, pain, frustration, experience of rejection, etc. in their unfortunate dealings with women. This pain needs to be HONORED, not labelled negatively!! Perhaps the shunning of men's expressions of pain explains why they commit suicide far more often than women do.
Wanna see REAL hatred of men? Just watch any TV channel for 30 minutes and see all the men-bashing commercials being aired!! Signed, TJ firstname.lastname@example.org
Earl Fibish - Sunday, November 27th 2005 - 10:17:42 PM
Why do you have a section on misogyny, but nothing on misandry (hatred of men)? Why are men's issues not shown here? Let's keep in mind that men commit suicide 4 times more often than women do.
Edgar - Sunday, November 13th 2005 - 12:13:25 AM
"Who can find a good woman, she is precious beyond all things"
Edgar - Sunday, November 13th 2005 - 12:11:28 AM
Have you found a woman?
Boy is it tough, I'm 21 and consider myself not too this but not too that...know what I mean?
Anyhow, I was wondering after reading your letter on trouble with women how you are doing now.
"I'll load a bowl to that"
Nancy - Thursday, November 10th 2005 - 12:38:01 PM
I cried when I read your page...it seems like you were saying everything that I wanted to say, the only difference is that I'm a woman...I'm tall and black...people tell me that I am pretty but yet I can't find a b/f..it seems that all guys want 5'5'' girls with blond hair and blue eyes...and I don't fall under that category...your page just touched me...that's all.
Peter - Tuesday, August 23rd 2005 - 09:49:33 AM
"We read to know that we are not alone". I have been in that place too. I'm curious to know where you're at now - and how you got there. My feelings - pertaining to women and relationships - are strikingly similar to yours (circa 1996-2000), with subtle (possibly worse) variations. Everything you've written resonates truthfully with my experience. Hope you are well and have found peace.
Prairierose - Friday, August 19th 2005 - 04:09:56 PM
Your story tears at my heart. Please post and let us know how you are doing.
Al, England - Saturday, August 6th 2005 - 10:41:45 PM
Your writing is as beautiful as it is brave.
The range of issues that you have experienced and articulated so touchingly is truly staggering in intensity but inspirational in poignancy.
It is clear reading the comments, you have touched the hearts of many.
May this content remain accessible for the suffering millions around the globe.
Thank you, Thank you.
Julie Cutler - Saturday, July 23rd 2005 - 01:51:15 PM
Depression I think has always been with me, lurking in the background, creeping up on me when I least expect it, but scared knowing when it will rear its ugly head catching me unaware when I have drastic life changes, such as my children being born, or the separation from my husband, earlier on in my life leaving home. or friends letting me down, or family bust ups...
Depression will be and is always round the corner for me. When things get particularly hard at work or when someone makes a rude comment...depression rears its ugly head as much as to say oh your defenses are down, you are feeling vulnerable. So here I am just in case, just to punish you that bit more when you are finding things hard...I do sometimes get myself out of these ruts but it's not always easy, and sometimes I just dwell in the depression waiting to get out of it at some point...
none - Tuesday, July 19th 2005 - 07:43:09 AM
Wow. What a tale. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I've been there, in the pits of despair. Don't give up- you can beat this, i know it. There is something better out there.
jeff - Wednesday, April 27th 2005 - 03:04:07 AM
Depression is so terrible.
Char - Monday, March 28th 2005 - 07:53:45 AM
You have been visited by a member of RAOK.
<a href="http://www.theraokgroup.com" target=_">
<img src="http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v344/giftshop/gift20.gif" alt="With a kind heart, The RAOK Group" border="0">
Have a wonderful day.
pbh - Wednesday, March 9th 2005 - 11:33:45 PM
As a woman in my forties who has gone from liberal to conservative, I now believe that the so-called 'sexual revolution', along with the 'women's liberation' movement has caused a lot of damage to society, especially to men and boys. I think it's left men feeling that it's wrong to be men, so no wonder you feel resentment toward women. It is perfectly normal that you are attracted to physically attractive young women. That is what men do because that is what leads to the survival of the human race. May I encourage you to make an appointment with a rabbi, priest, or minister, to discuss not only your issues with women and depression, but also to become part of the religious community? The benefits in terms of mental health, as well as the chance of meeting someone with whom you share many of the same values, are well documented. There is a reason for the old traditional ways things were done in terms of courtship, marriage, and family: they worked. I wish you the best of luck, you seem to be a young fella and there is no reason why you have to miss out on a happy life either as a fancy-free bachelor or when you settle down and start a family.
Dave - Wednesday, March 9th 2005 - 12:07:55 AM
Man, I hear where you're coming from....and where alot of the others who have commented are coming from too.
Your story spoke volumes. And I have come across women who use their beauty to treat men like dirt.... the Bible says "beautiful woman without discretion is like a ring of gold in a pig's snout". I have come across one in my own church, and came close to killing her so great was my rage.
I can't offer any fixes... I personally am going to go after my weight with a passion, and I feel that people such as me give off tiny signals that suggest to others that I'm an easy mark for abuse, so I work on being assertive - and right-up-front specifically. I intend to work on past issues again once I find a therapist. Anyway, what I _can_ do is let you know you are NOT alone in having this type of struggle!
EA - Sunday, January 23rd 2005 - 11:56:00 AM
You have a great story. I really enjoyed reading your posts, although I'm sorry you went through all of that...
I have just started a depression support board, and was wondering if you'd be interested in joining, or placing a link to it on your site. the URL is http://s2.invisionfree.com/these_eyes
Hope you're doing well,
Gary Paul Goss - Wednesday, December 15th 2004 - 03:57:54 AM
Your name is never mentioned.
Stephanie - Thursday, November 18th 2004 - 12:50:01 PM
I too am a compulsive eater. I have only read a small part of your writing so far, but I can honestly say that I go through the same thing every day. It's just nice to know that I am not alone.
Nancy - Wednesday, October 20th 2004 - 10:26:05 AM
Just by your writings, I sense that you are an intelligent, articulate and an interesting young man.
You are telling yourself very negative things because you are overweight. Most of America is overweight! You are still a beautiful person who deserves to have friends and family who support you.
Please continue seeking a source of help that can assist you in putting this in perspective. This alone does not make you who you are. YOU are much more that your weight.
I struggle with eating as well, eating sweets when the whole time I'm telling myself I shouldn't. The little kid in me rules. I know that the adult in me needs to be the one in charge. I am working on this...it seems like forever.
But in the meantime, I know that this is a process and that it takes time to undo all that has to be done. You CAN change your thought process.
Please continue to take positive action.
Karla Adams - Tuesday, September 14th 2004 - 10:25:03 PM
Hi, I am first acquainted with your writings from "emotional incest" which is a topic that was introduced to me by my therapist. I am a therapist in training and have recently received my Master's. I am only recently learning about emotional incest and how much it damages you. I downplayed it for years. I then wanted to know where this untitled link came from, and went to the "root" of the address. www.depressedzone.com/ and read another article, came to find out the writing is very sad and angry about women. I purposely read one of the offensive articles because I wanted to hear what he feels most strongly about. I know you want romantic love the most, and I know I most likely can't give that to you since I am LDS and plan to marry in the LDS temple, but I wish I could give you another kind of sincere, deep love, philio (I think it is) or brotherly love, friendship love. What I love about this love is that I can give it to everyone and am betraying no one by giving it. I hurt to hear that you have been hurt so much in your life, and hurt by women also so much. I have been hurt in my life before and I feel others' pain because of it. I would love to hear from you, although I am sure you are very busy.
K., 22. - Friday, August 20th 2004 - 03:39:17 PM
I just wanted to say: I think you are looking in the wrong places for love. (dance clubs? AOL? what kind of women were you EXPECTING to meet in these places???) and yes, I realize it seems you've looked "everywhere." but usually people come out of the woodwork when we're NOT looking. Doesn't really help now, but I hope things start looking up for you.
Mes - Wednesday, August 4th 2004 - 09:50:42 PM
This sounds strikingly familiar... I'm not going to post much on your forum but I will leave this
We share common things ..something I might help you with because I went through them. And others I'm still going through...
Alexandria - Tuesday, July 13th 2004 - 10:08:50 AM
Hi, I feel so sad for you. I too am an overeater. I am a 40 year old mom who has lost 70 pounds 3 times in my life. I was able to lose the weight and was able to put it back on. When I turned 40 I started a journal. I write about my day and write what I was feeling if I had a weak moment. It has helped me tremendously so far. I am losing about a half a pound a week. I am eating more protein during the day, this is helping me to curb my cravings for carbs. I am learning that I need to discipline myself to not overeat. It is hard, very hard. I unlike you am not depressed about it. I am able to keep my humour and love for life. Perhaps this is due to my children.
RdB - Saturday, June 19th 2004 - 11:23:44 PM
I don't want to add any more comments, but this is to Jane who posted on June 10th. I am NOT overweight and do not have an eating disorder. I am height weight proportionate and exercise regularly. I found this site via "misogyny" on a search engine since I wanted to get a good definition or some insight into the term.
I never said women over 40 wilt. I am just saying that the boys and the girls change "driver's seats." Thank God for that.
I am writing to say how rotten SOME women are to boys and to young men and the impact that has. No one says it more eloquently than Sue on April 24th. I feel as though I know her kids and what they've gone through. It is THESE girls/women that don't have anything to offer, especially later on. Also, if you want to see more of what I am talking about, rent "The Last American Virgin" -- it's a silly teenage flick, but look at how the slightly bookish nice guy gets treated by the girl he helps out. What a rag. I am echoing what Sue said earlier and am disgusted by the "entitlement" attitude. This has nothing to do with weight...this site addresses a compendium of personal issues.
Melissa Reid - Saturday, June 19th 2004 - 11:05:52 AM
I think you are a brave person for putting such honesty into this website. I have a eating problem also. No one thinks it is a problem, but I know. I eat all the time and when I am not eating I am thinking about when I will get to eat. I am 23. I am a student, mom and wife. I weight about 165 pounds and I am overweight, but I have been for most of my life, so no one thinks much about my size. I just want to be normal. I want to forget about food and live my life. Is that possible? Thanks for your testimony. AT least I'm not alone in this struggle.
Scary_MissMary - Saturday, June 12th 2004 - 04:14:14 PM
Oh god .. if you only knew how on the head you hit that nail. I am a woman myself ... totally straight, but advocating against my gender everyday. They make me look bad. Reading your website, I don't feel so bad about the self-hate I feel towards other women.
Jane - Thursday, June 10th 2004 - 11:08:29 AM
I am completely disturbed and disgusted at what many of the other "guests" have written re: women being "bitches" and losing whatever charm after 40 and men winning after that and all sorts of other useless advice that you have gotten from (mainly) other guys.
First of all, I am a 32 year old woman who has an eating disorder but who has never been terribly overweight. I do not discriminate on the basis of weight in either my friends or someone that I would choose as a lover. Maybe you need to choose differently--yes--there is a lot of garbage in the world--both male and female--in the media and elsewhere--but there is also a lot of quality and beauty, and I agree with the therapists that you need to find people and qualities in yourself that highlight the beauty in life--forget about your 50 or so pounds for a day or so--in fact forget about yourself altogether and notice something, anything, that moves you or makes your heart melt.
Women are people, and so are men. We are not "bitches," and we do not wilt after 40, and you will not be in the "driver's seat" after that, and don't waste time trying to get revenge on all of the terrible people in the world--you are totally capable of recovery, and sound pretty normal, actually.
Some of the ugliest things I have ever seen were in fit, thin packages, and vice-versa. Our job in recovery is to find things and people and places within and without where meaning and peace resides--You will be amazed at what you will find when you start looking at the world in this way. Let's enjoy this life. I know what it is to feel depression--I have had plenty of it, but over time I think that I have become stronger and happier and back to my true self--I think that you can become the same person you were before you became so unhappy. Hang in there.
Kay - Monday, May 31st 2004 - 03:42:23 AM
Great site! This is also an excellent depression site:
SDD - Wednesday, May 19th 2004 - 06:10:00 PM
All I can say is that I feel very sad for you and I hope that one day if you haven't already that you will find your way out of this hell. I am also a compulsive overeater.
I have just joined OA and so far I have failed miserably, but I don't plan to ever give up because what do I have to look forward to if I give up. Don't ever give up and one day you will succeed, but you will never succeed alone. Your problem is not your overeating and overweight problem, many of us struggle with that. It's just not relying on something or someone besides yourself to get throught this. good luck
Sue - Saturday, April 24th 2004 - 09:41:47 AM
I also don't know how I ended up at your site. I'm a female, 48, with two sons who are 21. The depth of the hurt and loneliness in your writing leaps from the screen and chokes me as I read it. So much pain....
I have watched my sons go through similiar feelings. I don't understand it either. In their case, both good looking, smart, loving, caring... and both have been devastated by women (girls) who want to be spoiled, treated like a goddess, have money spent on them but cheat on men, act like rotten little brats, and want to be worshipped. Both my sons are now keeping busy without women in their lives, as you gave up - so have they. No, they are not perfect guys - no one can be - but the girls' expectations are just unreal.
I look at these young women and wonder how their idea of what self-worth and self-esteem is ended up so distorted by the belief that they are entitled to be princesses and men don't have feelings; they are simply there to worship the princess. What on earth have they come to believe is the "perfect man?"
I apologize for my gender and the selfish, materialistic, and spoiled young women who are rampant and may be the backlash of my generation being treated as though we had NO value other than what we could do for men while they remained emotionally detached. The anger and hurt that many women my age have lived with for so long my have been translated to our daughters as "don't tolerate anything but perfection and total subservience from a guy," instead of "respect and love yourself, expect respect, and also expect to treat them with love and respect."
There are still a lot of kind, giving, and realistic young women (and I'm struggling to keep my daughter's head on straight in regards to men having hearts, and souls, and feelings, too, and she has seen the hurt in her older brothers.)
Granted, there are definitely men out there who are complete jerks, but that is not all of them. And I see many, many young women who are a waste of any good man's time, but again, that is not all of them.
I wish you peace in your heart, and the strength to go on, and the knowledge that NOT all women are that way and there are many desperately seeking warm, caring, loving men but are also so afraid of being hurt again and again.
I wish you some respite from the pain, and I hope that eventually you will find someone who will know you, and love you, and you will no longer be tormented with the loneliness. Everyone has these times, I hope yours passes as quickly as possible. Sue
TK - Thursday, April 15th 2004 - 06:46:28 PM
It is nice to know that there are other people sho share the same feelings and struggles I do. It helps to know I am not alone.
RdB - Tuesday, April 13th 2004 - 08:24:13 PM
I can't believe I am writing again. This is to "Pops"--- seeing your point of view and DISAGREEING as well.
A lot of the entries seem to come from people who will allow their self-esteem to be permanently scarred. You can do things to change that. I did by the time I got into my early to mid 20s.
Pops, what you probably ought to see is that there are a lot of good men out there (educated, have good jobs, easy going, take care of themselves) that succumb to a BITCH. I see it over and over. Chalk it up to society, women's lib and changing values. Women feel they are entitled to WHATEVER because they want because they have a vagina...to nag you, to your money, etc. etc. Some of my friends are married to women like this...a few have left and feel better for it, others are mired in misery.
Lastly, as one meets women over 40, THE TABLES TURN. We men age so much better. Every woman I went to high school with that WAS hot now is not. The ones who looked like Daryl Hannah or Michelle Pfeiffer turned out to be extreme underachievers because of their looks and chose to be baby factories (easier than going to college, isn't it?). They now pursue you because they don't have much to sell.
Just look at the media, Connery, Michael Douglas, DeNiro and the like are still in all these leading roles. Kathleen Turner and Sharon Stone have virtually gone into hiding. See what I mean?
My Dad told me that most women are impossible bitches and to be on your guard. DON'T DON'T DON'T let this get to your self-esteem, ok?
Aliensight - Tuesday, April 6th 2004 - 04:19:35 PM
I see so much of my own angst in your words. I have been struggling with social anxiety disorder and depression for years. It is uncanny how efficient your prose is in articulating the emotional and intellectual processes that may as well be my own. I wish you the best in your endeavors and hope that you find peace that you so desire.
Pops - Thursday, April 1st 2004 - 08:00:36 PM
"Oooooh! I'm afraid of women." I hear this repeatedly here. Sounds like a buzz phrase picked up (shoved down the throat) at typical left-wing group therapy (self-humiliation) sessions. Waaaah, WAAAAH, boo hoo hoo.
Alejandro Duran - Tuesday, March 23rd 2004 - 02:11:47 PM
I came upon your page after doing a search on misogyny.
I have been severely depressed most of my life, which has been a continuous succession of castrations by women.
I am from Mexico and lived in Berkeley, where i got a PhD. I found myself in the situations you describe at a crucial time in my life where things were supposed to get better love-wise.
I am permanently damaged from my experience of American women, which are the worst bitches of all.
Adam - Sunday, March 14th 2004 - 02:52:41 AM
You have no idea how close to home this material has come. I am 22 right now as well. I have been chronically single most of my life, with 2 relationships lasting less than 3 months. I have friends of both sexes, but sometimes these things are not enough. I am not totally into misogyny yet, but women are as frustrating as they are desirable. As I write this, I had considered suicide within the last couple of weeks, and am just coming out of the worst of it. While my life isn't a shattered wreck either, the wholeness of the rest of my life is somehow mocked all the more by the absence in the one area that I care about the most. I'm glad you stayed strong and hope things have gotten better (haven't checked any of your new stuff yet, if there is any).
anonymous thanks - Thursday, February 26th 2004 - 11:00:34 AM
I don't even know how I got to your website. I think I was checking links on mental health. By writing your thoughts and life down it has given me revealing insight into what my husband has been enduring, and reminded me of what life used to be like for me.
My husband (60) has an alcoholic mother and extremely verbally abusive controlling father. When he was married to his last wife, the family counselor said that he was misogynist and passive-aggressive. I became aware of that information after we had been in family counseling for a few months and I had finally had enough and put him out of the house. At that point our family counselor also informed me of the same. I had a lot of confusing information at that time, not much of it helped. He worked hard at making our (two young sons) lives utterly miserable. I often wonder why he puts all of his efforts into chaos, subterfuge and control, rather than just surrender to the fact that his folks screwed up his mind and emotions, and just find out what it takes to be able to have healthy relationships. I guess that might be oversimplification on my part, but I lived through a similar thing. I'm glad you have this website, because I get an inside look at what he REALLY feels, how really along and lonely and vulnerable and angry he really is.
For my own part I had a father who was a thug for the union (might as well be the mob) and is suspected of having committed murder. He was the kind of guy who owned local law enforcement. His own father was the same, but disabled at an early age. Both of them were very controlling and physically and sexually violent. My dear old Dad's sisters, my aunts, have all told me that when their father was disabled, my "Dad" raped all of his sisters and did it repeatedly. He was apparently enraged that he had to quit school in the 10th grade. His brother (a little older than he was) had to quit school, too, and they both worked adult jobs forced to support 8 kids and Mom. My Dad worked the railroad ,grueling, exhausting, for little wages during the Depression. All of the kids scrounged for roots, berries, frogs, groundhogs, wild animals, anything anything just to have something to eat. His mother was a real mystery even to me now. Manipulative, but secretive. You never ever knew what she was thinking or feeling. Ever.
My Dad viciously hit my 7-year-old brother in the head with a two foot piece of 2x4 and fractured his skull. He was prosecuted for attempted manslaughter and was convicted and set free the same day. He took great glee in telling us that he paid off a judge to have the sentence suspended, even told us how much it cost him, and leaned down and told us he could get away with anything. What happened from that time until I fled home for freedom has the makings of a horror flick. I was untouched sexually because the old man was too busy abusing my older sister. I developed a great deal of rage and he later told me that he was afraid that if he "tried anything" with me that I'd kill him. He was correct in making that life saving assumption.
I had nothing to lose. I was the fighter in the family. I fought against everything they tried to do to control me. I married a military man to make my escape and the geographical cure was great until they got word of where I lived and came to visit unannounced as though it was pleasant family time. I didn't feel the need to tell my husband at the time of how it really was. In fact, until I was 30 I didn't really figure out what the problem really was. I had assumed that all families were like mine. When I found out that there were some nice ones I gravitated toward nice folks and left nasty family in my dust.
The one thing that helped me the most was God. I sought him at an early age and found me for real in my twenties. When I put the Bible into practice in my real life, no matter how much of a victim it seemed like it made me, I found out that it didn't victimize me, but that it was the way to get victory. I live by putting the spiritual principles to work in my life. I had to. I knew if I was going to make it in life and make it well I had to be real about it. No matter how much it hurt to begin with, and it hurt like hell, I followed through until I saw the results. I got the upper hand in life!
I can't be threatened, intimidated, controlled or hampered in this life in any way. So long as I do just what the bible says to do when things are done to me. It seems totally contrary to human common sense (which is inferior in actuality) but really works. I got myself a good group of friends in the church. Don't leave your common sense at the door, there are wolves in the church, too, and I grew up to be a person I am proud of. Go to churches where people actually have changed their lives and know what they're talking about...charismatic or spirit-filled churches are what you need to look for. Big growing churches where people can cut loose in worship. The Bible says in Ephesians last chapter to put on the whole armour of God, but the most important part can be done by saved and unsaved people and it will work. It says to cast down every thought and imagination that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. In a nutshell that means to reject any negative thought that tears at your soul. Believe only good things about yourself. Actively fight off fear and when fear comes, take steps to do what you fear. If you aren't competely successful at it the first few times, keep doing it. If you fail once in a while at defeating fear, who cares...temporary setback. Move on. Accept healthy criticism from those you KNOW you can trust and make necessary adjustments after you evaluate that criticism to see if it would be beneficial to adjust.
God takes away the pain if you do the principles. You don't forget what was done to you but it doesn't touch you anymore.
My husband hates my freedom from guilt, hatred, anxiety, etc. He's in church right alongside me, BUT the difference between us is that he has chosen not to do what the Bible and God have to say to heal his hurts. If you put it to work in your life you get healing and liberty. If you don't you have fear, pain and you're life is in emotional lockup.
Mike - Sunday, February 22nd 2004 - 08:20:30 AM
Hey I read your articles about these bitches out there.
I'm a handsome guy with a lot to offer these women, and honestly-a good lot of them are assholes and scumbags.
I'm having a tough time too.
There are a few good ones out there--just got to find them. I have been out with and to bed with beautiful women, and I feel the good lot of them were selfish, self centered, vain, demanding pain in the butts who play head games to dominate a man. These are the kind I'll just have sex with. I would never marry one of those types of women. Nothing but headaches and an early demise to the graveyard for the man.
There are a few good women out there that are loving, caring, giving and will work with a guy. They are rare but do exist. I've given up on bars, nightclubs and the workplace to meet this type.
Some guys have gone overseas to Southeast Asia or South America to get a woman who is more down to earth. Got to be careful though as a guy can get burned by a scam artist.
We just live in a society where the bar has been raised for dating and relationships to a point where it's ridiculous.
Maybe a church could be a place to meet a nice girl or through a friend. Maybe internet dating sites.
The rest are evil bitches--plain and simple.
Steven - Monday, February 16th 2004 - 01:37:39 PM
I have awakened to reality. Life is not about kindness and tolerance, but about cruelty, distrust, and hatred. Happiness flows not from love, but from power. The strong survive by destroying the weak; the weak, like me, are fit for nothing except to be thrown out like dogs. The vulnerable will be destroyed...
If someone notices this, it tells me he belongs to the ones who are gifted with "intellect"...
There is so much truth in what you write about life, sadly...it is but
you have the tools in your hands to deal with life... and sometimes you have to put people on their "place" to show them the right "way", hope someday you will write a book or something, because everyone in one way or another can relate to your "confessions"
email@example.com - Friday, February 13th 2004 - 10:06:11 AM
Your dilemma is quite perplexing...sounds like an endless cycle. I have issues in the same regard, overeating, but managed 5 months ago to drop 45 lbs to meet my goal of 150 lbs (mostly on account of working out and a mass of diet pills). Being that I'm a 5'10 woman, I always carried my weight well, but made me self-conscious nevertheless. Breasts from larger to smaller, smaller to larger. My weight fluxes left me with stretch marks, not really bad, but noticeable.
I moved since then and work about 60 hours a week, and can never find the time to work out, although I have made strides with yoga in the morning - but that's hardly cardio, and I have put 20 lbs back on. Like you, I am depressed. But what I have done might encourage you. I threw out all my non-healthy food, and decided not to eat out as much at restaurants, mostly on account that I made goals to put my money toward (mostly getting out of debt) I too, am a recent college grad, so I know what it's like to get to plateaus in motivation. Right now I'm deliberating whether I want to enter the full-time job market, being that I endlessly spent the last 6 years in school, and are in a desprate need for a hiatus.
Anyway, my heart is with you on your journey, and I hope you can seek the courage to resolve issues in your life, and become an empowered and happy person again.
firstname.lastname@example.org - Friday, January 23rd 2004 - 06:23:45 PM
I found your writings to be brave and so true.
RdB - Sunday, January 18th 2004 - 11:24:46 PM
I stumbled onto this site a few days ago. It was so powerful that I came back to it as I wanted to tell you how much I value your honesty and courage. Not many people can come forth and disclose such feelings with the accuracy and poignancy with which you have.
I can relate to a lot of what you write about but, as you know, everyone has a story as individual as a set of fingerprints. I suffered some of the same things that you went through but saw some relief as a result of being a "late bloomer" between ages 25 and 27 (if they use that term for men). I was incredibly shy, nervous and I am sure "socially phobic" in my late teens and early twenties. I made choices based on fear or a quest for security instead of pursuing what I really wanted. I can go on and on.
I wanted to tell you a couple of things. First, you seem to be incredibly intelligent and attuned to stimuli around you. This is a gift. Get testing or find an avenue to harness this gift.
The other is that things can change. They have for me. I made it a conscious choice to change some things such that I would be in less pain. You have to identify which things you can change to better yourself and really seek such change.
Another thing is that we should all strive to be our own best friend. At a certain age, my need for approval and validation was absurdly high. Today, I enjoy spending time with myself, by myself and tending to the things I like. Yes, there are some wonderful people out there as well as some horrible people. Pray that the wonderful people who appreciate you for your inner beauty and your mind will find you and vice versa and, by all means, let them in to your life.
The part of the site that reeled me in was "Confessions of a Misogynist." There were indeed some painful passages and I have a male friend who refers to it as women who want to "cherry pick." Women don't like men who are up to their "agenda" and understand their m.o. So many of your bullet points are right on the mark. Capricious is a good adjective -- there is a definite volatility that is based on selling to the highest bidder. I have seen it and it is kind of sick when they pass over the person they are with for a fractionally improved situation in one or two criteria. Another one is the reference to a lack of respect for the intelligent male. This is more true among younger females who don't view that as cool, but beyond 25 or 30 they suddenly value that because of it affects their finances and it is also pretty sickening. The other is that I have heard female friends whine about men that don't fit the checklist right on the mark who had asked them out or made a suggestive comment and they were repulsed and pissy about it. I was nauseated to hear them tell the story.
The upshot of this is that in 10 years, there is an incredible turning of the tables to the benefit of men. A friend of mine said that women over 40 tend to "hit a wall." That may seem like a long time away, but at a certain point, men are in the driver's seat. I am starting to see it. With all this being said, it ties back to my stressing that you need to be your best friend. I too used to be overly attuned as to what a woman, or women, thought about me. Now I don't give a damn. I am a very nice guy, intelligent and above average looking and if they are going to give me some attitude, they can go to hell (not literally anyway). Another final thing you should realize is that women are actually incredibly insecure, especially if they are not self actualized and their identity and standing are siphoned from the man they are with and their appearance, which invariably declines. They have some buttons to push in this area and don't be afraid to push them. I am not advocating being mean. I am simply indicating that men should not put up with female haughtiness and that they need to be shown their place when this flares up.
At any rate, be strong. This is all very trying and I too struggle with many of the feelings you discuss. You are undoubtedly an awesome person, as shown by your strength to admit your feelings and fears, and you wil find the solutions. Be assured that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Herfinnur ¡rnafjall, Faroe Islands - Sunday, December 7th 2003 - 05:56:04 PM
I find your writings deeply compelling at times, and certainly impressively honest. While I was reading I recognized alot from my teen-years.
I believe that one of the reasons you fell into this depression is that you are so intelligent. Very few people have the ability to put words to their feelings the way you do. I think you should use your pain as a tool; write short-stories, lyrics for songwriters; write a book for God¥s sake!
Lisa - Thursday, November 20th 2003 - 02:14:13 PM
"I do not know if I would have survived those months without the Internet. There I could write to ease the pain. And write I did, turning to the keyboard in the darkest of moments."
That is so true... that's how I feel right now...
I find your site very helpful with alot of useful information.
I was wondering, it maybe you would be interested in joining my message board, focused around Depression and Mood disorders. http://s2.invisionfree.com/The_Nuthouse/index.php?act=idx
That's the website... I hope to see you there.
John Dentino - Sunday, October 19th 2003 - 01:42:49 PM
The quality of your writing is very high. How are you fairing with your sex addiction at this point? I notice that the writings are not very recent. It's now Oct. 2003. Are you still at odds with the 12-Step model? It seems the 12 step list you devised for yourself is a mirror of the existing one, the key difference of which is your emphasis on the positive side of pride, a "sin" in the context of Christianity. I'm starting a literary blog site soon that'll feature fiction and memoirs mostly by men on the power of the feminine, among other things. Your writings would fit in well. The first story is called "Homunculus," the tale of a man reduced in various ways by love. Would you be interested in contributing? I can send you an example of the kind of stuff we'll be publishing if you'd like. My e-mail address is: email@example.com.
Ryan - Wednesday, September 24th 2003 - 09:10:06 PM
Hello, I came across your website a while back and only realized the similarities that we both have in reading it now. I guess it just took me a while to see it. But reading it was like reading myself. There are so many things in the emotional text of your pages to which I can relate. 'Raw' and 'ruthless' are words that come to mind when I read it, but I cannot look away because I feel those things too, and the words are necessary and appropriate. Althought it still hurts, I find comfort in reading your text and that of those who have signed your guestbook, who say they feel similar sorrow and anger. I know you have probably heard it so many times before but you are not alone in your feelings, I know and share the pain you describe. Often there is not even any emotion left in me, I've been so swallowed up by the hatred for myself and my loneliness, that I cannot cry anymore, or feel most any emotion for that matter. I just sit here with a blank, thought-less stare on my face, reflecting on my failures and humiliation of day-to-day life. Sometimes it is as if God -- or whatever Creator there is -- has dealt some people a poor hand in life and feels no remorse or pity for them, thus doing nothing to assist. Have you ever speculated on something like that? Sometime ago I was on vacation and supposed to be having a wonderful time due to where I was, but I found myself out on the deck of the ship staring up at the bright moon in the early morning sky, asking God 'why?' and cursing Him/it for what I have become. It's a bold thing to write, I realize, but I have can come to no other conclusion. I'm not sure if you still update your
page(s) or refer to your guestbooks but I would like to know how your days are going, and if recovery is a word in your vocabulary, how that is going too. How have you coped thus far with the anger, fear, and loneliness that you described in those writings.
Thank you again for sharing your pain with those of us who can relate, don't give up. Together, we'll all find a way out of this.
Giorgio - Monday, September 22nd 2003 - 03:30:09 AM
Thanks for building this site, its really helpful & very informative! Keep it up & keep adding more!
I also have a site about
<a src"http://www.socialphobiaworld.com">Social Phobia</a>
s bhat - Friday, September 12th 2003 - 01:31:41 AM
Wonderfully written. Your story is of a brave man.
theresa - Thursday, July 31st 2003 - 08:45:25 PM
Your tales evoke genuine compassion from your audiences..well to me at least...I can just about relate to the many trials and tribulations that your poor soul has endured...especially the little details. I cannot leave without remarking on what beautiful language you have... although I've read a few passages, it has appealed to me very much..and it's been a while since I've read any appealing works of art...I commend you.
angel samimom - Thursday, June 19th 2003 - 05:58:37 PM
Hi, your website is truly beautiful, my visit was most enjoyable. I
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J - Sunday, May 11th 2003 - 09:06:32 AM
Your writings are so exacting that for a moment I believed that I may have written them myself. You are not alone!
CurlyCari@aol.com - Monday, April 14th 2003 - 04:08:46 PM
You have a gift for all, you must write a book!
Dieter Ehrmann - Monday, April 14th 2003 - 02:26:30 AM
The net is a wonderful place and I wanted to thank you for the info I got here.
Mim - Thursday, April 3rd 2003 - 12:19:25 PM
Angry Young Woman - Saturday, March 29th 2003 - 04:19:20 PM
Wow! This website has really hit home with me! Your deep and sensitive writings have almost taken word for word the feelings, torments, and sorrows which I could not find the strength to express.
I can definitely relate to much of what you have written.I grew up with parents similar to yours, but I had an alcoholic father and a controlling, emotionally abusive bitch of a mother(they are both dead now). I, too, am considerably overweight, with VERY low self-esteem, and I often feel very ugly and that no guy will ever like me. Yes, I also get severely depressed easily and feel trapped in its grip. But unlike you, I have never gone to therapy for it. I also have a severe social phobia, which, as a previous poster put it, is not by choice. How pathetic, 25 yrs. old and I never had a boyfriend or hardly any close friends. I started to sob as I read some of your essays, because I felt like I was reliving what I went through, yet at the same time, I was glad to see that I'm not the only one who has suffered from the monster of SP. I have also felt suicidal but never actually tried to commit it. I also get moments of anger and rage, especially towards my mother and get extremely jealous of other people. I loved your description of not seeing the glass as half empty, but fully empty. I feel the exact same way and don't know how much more I can take.
Anyway, can you give us an update as to how you are? I hope and pray you are doing fine, because I don't know if I ever will :,(
Phil Benson - Saturday, March 29th 2003 - 08:23:11 AM
Your website makes painful reading, to which I can relate only too well.
Lisa - Friday, March 14th 2003 - 06:39:18 PM
I'll send you an e-mail
happyelvis - Saturday, March 1st 2003 - 04:58:22 PM
Good shit, man!
Cathy - Sunday, February 16th 2003 - 09:18:57 PM
Hi. I recently had an encounter with a guy, who I have wondered if he feels/felt somewhat as you have.
Though I cared about him a great deal - and still do - he pushed me away, and I see no way of ever being able to reach out to him. I am glad to have found a site such as yours.
If he is feeling anything like what you have described, I would be there for him regardless if I only knew about it.
I read a few of the other posts. I hope they are encouraging for you.
I too, would very much like to know how you are doing now.
Thank you, and here's hoping that you have moved on from the feelings of despair you were experiencing some years ago.
Samantha Williams - Saturday, February 15th 2003 - 04:07:26 AM
Margaret C. Rigsby - Wednesday, January 29th 2003 - 12:31:56 AM
This has been truly enlightening.
The Poetry Pages oc mc rigsby
Frances - Tuesday, January 21st 2003 - 06:20:01 PM
You write very well and it's lovely to see someone so honest with themselves, i think that's part of the way to getting better...I ricochet between claiming I'm fine when I'm not and wondering why I'm not down when I'm actually ok. It's a funny old world sometimes, but none of us are alone.
Lori Smith - Thursday, November 7th 2002 - 02:54:01 PM
firstname.lastname@example.org http://help_lori.tripod.com Wonderful web page.
BASIL - Thursday, November 7th 2002 - 09:54:59 AM
I liked your web site very much.
My Email: Basil_M@212.com
ole - Saturday, September 21st 2002 - 07:31:27 PM
I've been there, it's a lonely place. May God look after you always.
Mike in Phoenix - Sunday, September 15th 2002 - 01:03:40 PM
Your sharing has cut me down to my soul - you've looked inside MY heart and put into words that which I could not... THANK YOU!!
I have lived so much of what you've been through, including all the addictions, self-eviscerating and empty successes that your words shadow my life (eerily) to a tee. In fact, I just received my M.B.A. (to go along with another Master's), and have to ask myself; where is the feeling of success? After receiving these advanced degrees I went home, alone, to my empty apartment to commiserate with my cat! Pathetic, to say the least.
Where are you at on your recovery? I would love to hear how you've done lately.
Cursed - Wednesday, September 11th 2002 - 11:28:47 PM
I can identify with a great deal of what I have read here. I, too, am eternally alone and lonely and not by choice (I am in my 30's and have never had a boyfriend). I can't figure it out; I am truly mystified by my inability to fit into this world and connect with anyone(I have no friends either and I live at home); I look at myself and think I'm attractive, intelligent, sensitive, etc. etc. but it's like I have some repelling force field around me or something. My brother, in contrast, is a real jerk, treats people like s*&t and still has people flock to him. I feel like I am cursed and believe part of the problem with "our types" is that we are seeing a different world and speaking a different language than most others; we're like aliens that perhaps look too deeply-feel too deeply-and value things that the rest of the world does not. We should all just band together. I was especially moved by your description of the "twisting knife" as I've always described my mental pain as a knife in my psyche and people would just look at me like I said I was gonna kill their mother or something. I also fantasize about being in the arms of that special someone. Anyway you get the idea here: You are not alone-Warmest Wishes.
Phil in Houston - Tuesday, August 20th 2002 - 09:49:09 PM
Life is so incredibly tough for short, non-athletic men. Being young makes it even worse (that "money and resources" thing). I had to laugh at the "asking for permission" thing. Sad that young males actually believe that baloney about a "man must ask permission." Such things are thought up and written by bitter sexless (or lesbian) women, not the women who are having sex. Women give permission today the same way they have for thousands of years: with a big smile and lots of eye contact. If they stop smiling when you move into their personal space, you're not getting permission. End of story. While I can't recommend buying any of his products, the guy at www.steelballs.com has a lot of useful advice to the young and clueless males out there. By reading the free issues of his newsletter online, you can learn all you need to know without buying books or anything. One thing you'll learn is, bars/discos are the absolute worst place to troll for dates. Girls go there to be seen and boost their egos, not to give out their phone numbers (unless the guy is gorgeous and rich...*maybe!*). Probably the best strategy for an insecure guy is to save up dough for a few years and then scheme some way to form some sort of hobby organization. Women, damn their estrogen-wired brains, find "leaders" very appealing. If you're insecure, you need to set up a situation in which they're a bit in awe of you. Also, you need to already be getting some. Nothing drives a girl away more quickly than a lonely/horny male. They get interested in you when you don't need them. This might not sound helpful, but it will definitely work. That is takes money and patience shouldn't be surprising. Good luck, the work you put into this website shows!
Otto - Friday, August 9th 2002 - 08:36:27 PM
'Sweeeet...Jesus! This guy is writing about my life! Pound for pound your ability to express our feelings and thoughts is incredible. I remember saying much of the same things to myself only in my mind they were more or less infused together with my depressing sinking feelings, so I could never find the words to think through. Only making matters worse. I've reached a point where the best way I can describe what I feel on a daily basis is a disconnection between feelings and my mind. Enough about me...Thank you! I I just recently learned about social anxiety and the millions of others who suffer from this monster. I thought I was the only one in the world who went through what we experience. I hope you can accept and believe that you have helped me tremedously. The inspiration was strong enough to allow me - after much debate - to reply to someone on the internet and express my feelings. Thank you, sincerely.
Skaz - Sunday, July 7th 2002 - 05:46:46 PM
I found your site by a coincidence and I have to say that our lives are WAY too similar, I'm a social phobic and have been for all my life, although not diagnosed until 9 months ago.
I'm too feeling lonely and craving for ANY form of human contact. Always when I express my feelings of hopelessness and worries about myself and my looks and personality I'm always told the same old routine, "You are kind, wonderful and and extremely intelligent man", then how come I haven't been able to find someone, a friend or more???
I'm tired of trying, tired of thinking about what is wrong....so tired. But hopefully there is hope for you and all others that are in this same dilemma....
I only have one friend that I think I can trust and talk to but now I fear that even she is giving up on me, and I completely understand her and feel no anger or resentment towards her. She deserves better than listening to me and my problems.
Dorothy - Saturday, July 6th 2002 - 01:26:25 PM
Your writings are beautiful, and from the heart. My husband is a sex-addict in recovery for 3 years now, and I struggle with issues with food. Usually I feel very optimistic about life, we have done a lot of personal growth work, but just a couple of days ago my husband ended up looking at porn on the internet. He did not act out, but he also did not tell me about it. Our relationship is based on trust and truth and if he cannot tell me the truth than again I question what all of this is about. I feel very let down, and have a sense of hopelessness that I have not felt for a long time. It is crazy making, to feel that something is wrong, a disturbance is present, and to be told "nothing is wrong". That way lies madness... Keep on believing in yourself, your love and goodness and uniqueness - I too know that the answer, the means to happiness, is in embracing you.
Kellie - Wednesday, June 26th 2002 - 06:05:09 PM
I'm really glad I found your site... I have been wanting a boyfriend *forever* but it seems like it's never going to happen. For one, I'm pretty shy and I also have social anxiety. It's hard for people to get to know me because I don't come out of my shell that often.. I also have low self-esteem, so sometimes I understand why I don't have a boyfriend... because I'm too ugly. But at the same time, I think I'm a really giving person and I try to be nice... you'd think people would like these qualities, but I guess they can't see them. I don't know. I wish I could get out there more and talk with people and all that.. but I don't...so I guess I'm just setting myself up to fail. Oh well....!!
ANYWAY ~ keep up the great work with your site and good luck with finding a girl! I really hope it will happen soon! <3
Depressed in Brazil - Tuesday, June 25th 2002 - 02:29:44 AM
I spent the night reading websites on depression, bi polar disorder, and ADHD. I think I have a combination of many mental disorders.
Your writings struck me! The insight you have is incredible. Our lives are so similar.. it is comforting.
Jerry Kohn - Wednesday, June 19th 2002 - 06:45:50 PM
URL http://juice.angelcities.com/mh.htm "Mental Health Information and Advocacy"
Warmest wishes to you and your family. I really like your personable, heartfelt, encouraging web site. I also admire your supportive resourcefulness. Feel free to visit my web site and please sign my guestbook. There's also an add a I'd appreciate you adding your site to my add link section.
Andrew - Tuesday, June 18th 2002 - 08:56:41 PM
You are making a great difference in the world. Thank you.
Chris - Saturday, June 8th 2002 - 04:33:13 PM
Thank you for being brave enough to write down and shed your feelings for all to see.
I am sure many of us can relate to your experiences. I know I can.
John - Wednesday, May 29th 2002 - 12:12:42 PM
Just a heartfelt thank-you for your honesty and courage.
Scott - Monday, May 27th 2002 - 03:42:41 PM
Your site offers some very compelling reading, I must say. Your writing is incisive, intelligent, and powerful. You really have a talent there, and perhaps you could expand upon it. Regardless, on to business. I will offer a criticism or two, and then a compliment. Don't allow my criticisms to overshadow the respect that I have developed for you while reading your pages.
The main criticism I would offer is thus: there are a number of points in your writing that reveal something greater than the particular incident at issue. For instance, you mention a girl that wanted you to drive across town to give her fifty dollars. You couldn't because you didn't have a car, even though you were making good money at the time. Well, obviously, that girl was no catch, and she is not my focus here. My question is (I know, I know, environmentalism) don't you think that having a car would be helpful, and would allow you to function more normally in the dating world? I have friends in New York and D.C. who don't have cars, or even a license, and it is no big deal. But in most of North America, because of the way it is structured, you really need a car. Not having one raises a big question mark in most people's eyes, including those that are not materialistic or "greedy". My main point is really not about a car at all, but instead a much broader one: namely that even though we want people to accept us as we are, we also need to make SOME accomodations to reality and the society that we live in. If we refuse, then we have to accept that said refusal will be a turnoff to most people. Your car situation just tipped me off to a refusal to accomodate others even on a very basic level, which I think is something that should be examined. The other little incident that raised a question was you description of a girl as "notorious" because she mentioned that she wouldn't date a black guy. So what? Given your problems, you are worried that not enough black guys are able to date the girls that you might be interested in? This makes no sense. Now, for me personally, I wouldn't date a girl that WOULD date outside of her race, I just have a stronger connection to my heritage than that. If you don't have that "feeling", then you don't. But a girl that prefers to date within her own kind (whatever race she might be) hardly seems "notorious". Again, sometimes we just have to accomodate reality. We want a soulmate, but that doesn't mean someone that thinks exactly as we do. Vive la difference. Ultimately, of course, we have to draw our own lines as to what we should accomodate and what is in fact just incompatible. It just seemed that perhaps you are getting a little far out there in the "lines" that you draw. If the above issues are really that important to you, and you really believe that you could not have a healthy relationship otherwise, then by all means draw the appropriate lines. But recognize reality: you are wiping out huge chunks of humanity out there, and are making a difficult task (finding a compatible girlfriend) even harder.
But on the whole, the vast bulk of your writing reveals a sensitivity, a perceptiveness, and an intelligence that one does not often encounter on the web. I am suffering from some of the same problems as you, particularly the sexual ones. I might note that I am tall and thin, and while not Brad Pitt I would be considered by most to be good looking. And yet I have become miserable. You make a great deal of your appearance, but let me assure you that is not the problem (it may be a reflection of the problem, but that is another issue). The problem is deeper, and much more fundamental. We need to be able to accept ourselves, and our imperfections, and move on to function in the world. It is a balancing act between accepting our flaws in a negative sense - and therefore not doing anything about them - and accepting our flaws in a positive sense - and then applying the wisdom of the serenity prayer. I have not succssfully accomplished this myself, but I am trying. I don't have the "answers", otherwise my life would be far more meaningful and enjoyable than it in fact is. But I do realize that part of the answer HAS to include truly taking responsibility for ourselves, and responsibility for our choices - whether those be good or bad. Nobody is coming to rescue us, we must do that ourselves. Perhaps you already have, and if so I am happy for you. If not, you are far from alone. Many others struggle to find a better way in life, regardless of how hopeless the situation might appear. God bless. Scott.
Bill - Tuesday, May 21st 2002 - 10:56:52 AM
Very interesting site, it would interesting to hear updates. Good luck to you. I recently had a chance to write an autobiography that helped me express much of the same anger and frustration exhibited in this site.
Colleen - Monday, May 20th 2002 - 08:51:05 PM
I was stunned! I could not believe another person could so clearly express what I feel.I want to believe that things can be different. I'm so tired, so devoid of all feeling. I'm 38 going on 92. I feel that my life is slowly ebbing away...I'm not sick, not physically anyway. But I can no longer play this role, a role I've played for what seems all my life. I need to find the answer..I just don't remember the question.
Thanks for sharing your story, you have helped me.
AG - Tuesday, March 12th 2002 - 06:19:58 PM
Thank you for the chance to look, and to learn that I am not alone. It seems so hard, when you want to do better, but don't really know where to go, what people will think of you when they find out. thank you for a spart of hope.
Jerry Kohn - Saturday, March 2nd 2002 - 11:01:42 AM
Mental Health Information and Advocacy
You have a very caring, supportive web site.
Please sign my guestbook.
Louis - Sunday, February 17th 2002 - 04:49:47 PM
Another gentle soul has been punished and abused for having virtues few people posses. Virtues like sensitivity and intelligence. Surround yourself with loving people. Keep searching..don't EVER give up, you will find that needle in the haystack!
The rest of THEM need to get themselves a brain... poor souls
Nadine - Saturday, February 9th 2002 - 02:15:13 PM
I'm currently dealing with social phobia, and thank you for your inspiring words, it's more than helpful!
Thank you - a friend - Sunday, January 6th 2002 - 07:51:41 PM
I have read the passages on your website and at times I thought someone was writing about my life. I want to thank you for communicating your honest feelings and thoughts because it has helped me and I am sure there are others that feel the same way...there is hope...I truly believe it! Don't give up, I suspect there are many others who feel the same loneliness and SP as we do. We all want to be held...what keeps me going is that I truly believe there is a someone for everyone. Although that might sound corny--giving up is not the answer.
Brenda - Friday, December 7th 2001 - 07:12:07 PM
I found this subject totally by accident, however this is a problem that I became aware of only a few days ago. My husband is having many contacts on and off the internet. I have found some things to be very helpful should I make the decision to stay in the marriage. I'm researching all that I can find. I'm dying and don't want to live my last few days with a cheater. Our ex-president seemed to have another ideal of what sex is and it looks as though the male population has followed in his footsteps. If my husband gets his cookies, he has had sex. Phone, e-mail or pictures I'll exclude his dreams but any other form is sex. His words are enough to make me throw up. He had always been jealous of me and controlling over my whereabouts, only because he knew what he was doing.
Matt - Thursday, November 29th 2001 - 09:27:26 AM
Alex Kelly - Tuesday, November 27th 2001 - 09:01:32 PM
Related so much to your autobiography...brought back many memories of a similar childhood and adult anxieties. Thanks for sharing....
Edith - Sunday, November 18th 2001 - 09:28:17 PM
I loved your site, it's good to know we are not alone. God bless you.
Nodoze - Tuesday, November 13th 2001 - 02:44:37 PM
Wow! I was on social-anxiety.co.uk and i found a link to here. I am experiencing much the same things as you. I feel the same way except I'm not literary or articulate (yes, I do self-loathe a bit :P) enough to express my feeling in that way. I know this probably won't help but you are not alone. I am 16 (male), a high school dropout, with no friends (even at this age), no life, and no foreseeable future. Well, even my perfectionism hinders me, even as I write these messages. This page is very interesting and I do wish you well.
castinel - Friday, October 5th 2001 - 07:40:56 AM
Please don't let what your mother's mental illness did to you affect how you feel about women. Not all women are created equal. I in fact have harboured some ill feelings toward men, but also realize that gender does not evaluate a human being. We've been hurt by some sick individuals, namely owr parents, but I refuse to believe that everybody is the same. Reading your site, I realize there is no gender difference between you and me, because I've been through the same despair as you and have many of your thoughts and feelings. I too have been severely wounded by my parents and other people that I've loved but I come to accept the fact that we're human beings with our defects, sometimes severe, and that there's is a lot of sick neurotic people who don't realize the pain they cause others, especially children. Your pain goes to my heart because I've been there and still am, but we cannot generalize a gender just because a person of thst gender has hurt us.
I know what it's like believe me I've had to endure a lot of abuse in my life and I'm a lot like you but I'm a female , so please don't think that all women are the same.
I'm a single mother of two boys 8 and 9 and my heart is filled with love for them, funny but one of my boys is very chubby--loves to eat--but my heart would break if he would be hurt in any way. Since I felt unloved by my parents, instead of resentment towards them, I make sure they receive all the love from me they can and try for them not to see the pain and agony I sometimes feel when I'm alone. I love them a hug from them fills my heart with love.
You and me grew up with parents that although they tried sometimes, just didn't know how to handle life and children, the kind of parents who should have never had children. Lot's of times I cried thinking "Why God? Why did I have to be born I didn't ask for it", but then I think at least I got to see this beautiful world God created for us.
I'm guilty of it too, but lets try not to generalize in gender, or culture, or race, or religion or anything else for that matter, let us try to judge people as individuals.
I'm 40, and reading your pain was feeling it too. It hurts me so much that people could be so cruel to others, mainly to children who are so innocent and full of unconditional love. I guess it's the Devil doing his work on earth as the Bible says. I'm a christian, not a religious fanatic, in fact I don't go to church anymore, but my heart is full of God because it is full of love towards others instead of bitterness and resentment, it is full of God because God and love is one and the same, God is Love. You're young and your heart is beautiful and God will help you find a special someone someday, don't let bitterness take over fill your heart with love towards others as human beings trying to survive this hard world just like you and me.
I've read your guestbook and most of the entries have been from females and they've been supportive to you and not judgemental, just like me. Believe me I feel your pain and no not all of us are 'prostitutes' trying to get something from men, but we like to feel appreciated sometimes men are the ones to use us and we are afraid of letting go and being vulnerable. Sometimes attractive women are the ones that suffer the most because men tell us that they us and reality they just want us and we need to feel loved, thus the different reaction from women like--believing we are just sex objects instead of we are human beings with a mind and heart and soul, that just like you, think, feel and hurt. When you cried that day on the sidewalk I wish I could have hugged you because I've been there, too.
Please sweetie, it's not your fault, it's your parents fault, they were the sick ones. I've had to learn and accept that myself about my parents and I don't forget, but I have forgiven and accepted them. They too must have been tortured inside but they were bitter and that made them cruel, don't let that happen to you.
Be real to others be yourself you're beautiful inside and out, don't let self-hatred rule your heart, and when you meet that special someone and maybe have children do as I do with mine, give them all the love that wasn't given to you to make sure they don't grow-up with the pain we did.
When you talk to women look deep into her spirit not just her looks. I've rejected many gorgeous men because they were shallow. Not all women want a tall, dark and handsome guy with lots of money, some woman want a true love that will be there for them and grow old with them, a man who will really feel for them and love them with their heart.
We too feel the need for a hug and the companionship and someone to talk to and accept us for who we are. Get it, the same feelings you feel when you're alone. So be yourself so that girls won't receive your negative vibes and just receive your true self.
God bless you.
Erica - Tuesday, October 2nd 2001 - 11:11:28 AM
I was surfing though the internet and came across your page. I don't know why but it really hit home for me. Well...I do know why! I have gone through some tough times as a child, and only got worse as I got older. And I know what you're feeling. It's funny but I never thought I would have come across someone with the same feelings I had!
Well good luck!
You have a great site!